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Showing content with the highest reputation on 06/04/2019 in all areas

  1. 1 point
    Next time someone complains to me about having a bad day, I will just send him a link to this thread. :) Thank you all
  2. 1 point
    That was bloody good^^^ Here's some ones that I found quite good: Children in the backseat can cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat can cause children. ------------------------------------ A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch. "What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!" "Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time." "Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!" "Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want." ------------------------ --here's a gross one for ya: A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??" "Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!" So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says. "Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey. "Is it your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband. When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved. "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!" "Then, who is it?" Jim asks. Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!" -------------------------------------------- A policeman stops a motorist and asks, "Excuse me, Sir, have you been drinking?" The motorist says, "Why -- do I got an ugly girl next to me?" ------------------------------------------ A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer -- I'm an asthmatic. I could hae an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." ----------------------------------------- ''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. ''I got in a tiff with Riley.'' ''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.'' ''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.'' ''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?'' ''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.'' -------------------------------------- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together. ------------------------------------- a blonde one, if that's allowed: Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. ------------- here's one to think about: A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc... The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!'' So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked? ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply. ''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?'' ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'' The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.'' The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers. :lovin: that's all from me, enjoy your day! :thumbsup:
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