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lammi

! Funny Jokes !

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some of you have probably heard some of these before but oh well

 

A penguin is driving along when his car breaks down, so he pushes it to the nearest mechanic who explains he'll take a look at it so the penguin decides to go get an ice-cream. When the penguin gets back the mechanic says "looks like you've blown a seal mate", and the penguin replies "Nah its just ice-cream"

 

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An elderly couple decide to go to the doctor to get a regular check-up. The doctor explains that they are physically quite healthy, but they should probably start to write things down to help them remember better.

Later on that evening the couple are watching t.v when the man gets up to leave, the woman said "Where are you going",

"to the kitchen" replied the man,

"well can you get me some ice-cream"

"sure" replied the old man

"You'd better write it down so you don't forget"

"no its ok i can remember" replied the man

"ok well i want strawberries on top, write it down, you know you'll forget"

"no i can remember it, ice-cream with strawberries on top"

"well i want whipped cream as well, you'll definitely forget so write it down"

Slightly agravated, the old man replies "NO, I can remember it, ice-cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top"

 

20 minutes later the old man re-enters the room and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs,

the old woman stares at the plate for a couple of seconds and replies "wheres my toast"?

 

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Why do men get so excited when they see a woman in leather? Because it smells like a new car!

 

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Thats it, laugh away

Also add any jokes that could contribute to my hilarious collection :)

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oh and heres TOP joke of the year

 

What do you get when you cross John hopoate and Wendel Sailor?.........Powderfinger! LOL

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THE PARROT WITH NO LEGS

 

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch and it doesn't

have any feet or legs.

He says out aloud, Jeeze, I wonder what happened to this bird?

 

The parrot says..... I was born this way….. I'm a defective parrot.

 

'Holy s#*t', the bloke replies. You actually understood and answered me!

 

I got every word, says the parrot,…. I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.

 

Oh yeah? He asks, Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?

 

Well, the parrot says, this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar ….. like a little hook - You can't see it because of my feathers.

 

Struth, the bloke says. You really can understand and speak English can't you?

 

Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.

 

He looks at the $20,000 price tag. - Sorry, but I just can't afford that.

 

Pssssssst, says the parrot, I'm defective, so the truth is nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the shop owner an offer!

 

So he offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. It has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's great company, understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted.

 

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, Pssssssssssst! and motions him over with one wing. …. I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.

 

What are you talking about? Asks the guy.

 

When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.

 

WHAT???... The guy asks incredulously. THEN what happened?

 

Well, the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,

reported the parrot.

 

NO! He exclaims…. And she let him?

 

Yes, and he continued taking off the nightie , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....

 

Then the frantic guy demands, THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

 

Damned if I know….. I got an erection and fell off my perch!

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Bahahahaha... parrot ones a absolute classic...

 

Try Street Machine for jokes :/

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Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near an old petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

 

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

 

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

 

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

 

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

 

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, He refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

 

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young fried Alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

 

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

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