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lammi

! Funny Jokes !

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A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune: "One Aussie soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends ten of his best soldiers over the dune, where...upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out: "One Aussie soldier is better than one hundred Taliban."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best hundred troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After ten minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Aussie soldier is better than one thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually, one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, "Don't send any more men. It's a trap... there's actually two of them."

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An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’

The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’

Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘we don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’

The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

‘We throw them away, of course!’

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’

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That was bloody good^^^ Here's some ones that I found quite good:

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

------------------------------------

A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.

 

"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"

 

"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."

 

"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"

 

"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."

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--here's a gross one for ya:

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

--------------------------------------------

A policeman stops a motorist and asks, "Excuse me, Sir, have you been drinking?"

The motorist says, "Why -- do I got an ugly girl next to me?"

------------------------------------------

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer -- I'm an asthmatic. I could hae an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

-----------------------------------------

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

''I got in a tiff with Riley.''

''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''

''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together.

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a blonde one, if that's allowed:

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

 

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here's one to think about:

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...

The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?

''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.

''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''

''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''

The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''

The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

:lovin:

that's all from me, enjoy your day! :thumbsup:

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if you could choose between World Peace and a 4WD

what kind of tires would you have:).

 

 

 

Edited by THOR
if you could choose between World Peace and a 4WD what kind of tires would you have.

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19 hours ago, THOR said:

if you could choose between World Peace and a 4WD

what kind of tires would you have:).

 

 

 

Bit like, if you had to choose between your wife and fishing. Would it be salt or freshwater. 

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