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! Funny Jokes !

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A guy comes home from work and gets a cup hurled at him from his girlfriend as soon as he walks in the door. He manages to dodge the projectile and asks her "Wow, what was that for??"

 

"I saw my doctor today and he said your a dirty old pervert and a pedophile!"

 

 

"Pedophile, well that's a big word for a 12 year old!"

 

 

 

Got told this one at work yesterday, was funny at the time..

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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I

want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

'So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir'

says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'

Asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

 

 

 

 

'I put drops in her eyes

 

 

 

:)

Edited by frosty

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THE PARROT WITH NO LEGS

 

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch and it doesn't

have any feet or legs.

He says out aloud, Jeeze, I wonder what happened to this bird?

 

The parrot says..... I was born this way….. I'm a defective parrot.

 

'Holy s#*t', the bloke replies. You actually understood and answered me!

 

I got every word, says the parrot,…. I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.

 

Oh yeah? He asks, Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?

 

Well, the parrot says, this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar ….. like a little hook - You can't see it because of my feathers.

 

Struth, the bloke says. You really can understand and speak English can't you?

 

Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.

 

He looks at the $20,000 price tag. - Sorry, but I just can't afford that.

 

Pssssssst, says the parrot, I'm defective, so the truth is nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the shop owner an offer!

 

So he offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. It has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's great company, understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted.

 

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, Pssssssssssst! and motions him over with one wing. …. I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.

 

What are you talking about? Asks the guy.

 

When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.

 

WHAT???... The guy asks incredulously. THEN what happened?

 

Well, the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,

reported the parrot.

 

NO! He exclaims…. And she let him?

 

Yes, and he continued taking off the nightie , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....

 

Then the frantic guy demands, THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

 

Damned if I know….. I got an erection and fell off my perch!

 

Absolute pure GOLD!! :locked:

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.......... There will be NO Easter eggs this year !!

 

easterdogbunny.jpg

 

 

 

:y: lmfao that is wicked hahaha

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Heard this one a couple of days ago,

 

A Blonde walks into a shop and asks if she could buy that tv, and the bloke said "sorry we don't serve blondes," so she goes home and changes her hair colour to brown then goes back to the shop and asks again and the block behind the counter said "sorry we don't serve blondes," so she asks "how do you know I'm blonde," becase that is a microwave.

 

Hahaha brunettes ftw lol :rolla:

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No offence meant to any chicks for these jokes...only for a laugh...

 

Why are women's feet so small? so they can stand closer to the sink.

Why is there always a window in the kitchen? So women can have a poin of view.

why don't women need watches? there's a clock on the oven.

 

here's a longer one - from memory...

 

Adam said to God one day, "My god, thank you for all you have created and done for me...but I feel like I am missing something, a mate."

God: "Adzz, I can hook you up with the dopest, hottest, sexiest chick you'll ever see...she'll even cook, clean and serve you, as well as obey your every command....But it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam: "What can I get for a rib."

 

Adam you tightass!! you shortchanged mankind!!! hahaha

 

keep laughin pplz

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The missus joined boost cruising, I thought it was quite funny.

 

She joined it to ask about the wedding cars but still.

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Got this today. Sorry if I offend anyone...

 

Same Sex Marriage

 

Fred and Larry get married in California ..

They couldn't afford a honeymoon.

So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first

married night together.

 

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

 

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and

Larry are up yet.

 

 

She replies, 'No'.

 

 

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

 

 

 

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

 

 

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

 

 

She replies, 'No.'

 

 

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

 

 

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

 

 

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

 

 

He says:

'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue

 

:jamie:

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I like that, can anyone tell me if that is someones name or if it translates into words?? "Wong Fook Hing" great prefix to any business name! :)

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