Jokes

[SoulSearcher]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

 

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

 

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

 

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

 

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

 

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

 

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

 

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

 

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[SoulSearcher]

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little girls:

 

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

 

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

 

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

 

I don't f&ckin think so

[SoulSearcher]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

 

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

 

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

 

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

 

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .

 

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

 

'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

 

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

 

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

 

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...

 

(Are you ready for this one!?)

 

'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

[SoulSearcher]

Some points to ponder?

 

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

 

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

 

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

 

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. But "I do" is the longest sentence?

 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use ..... toothpicks?

 

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

 

If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?

 

Finally - Ever wonder about those people who spend $10 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: "NAIVE"

[SoulSearcher]

AUSTRALIAN DEFINITION OF A "TRUE FRIEND"

 

Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy,completely Wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality?

 

Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

 

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry mongrel who made you that way.

 

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

 

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had a root.

 

4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.

 

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.

 

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

 

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.

 

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

 

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end.

 

Send this to your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 2, and 1 of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway. shit why bother then...

 

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

 

So let me know if I ever need to me to bring a shovel.

[SoulSearcher]

How to carry a dog....

 

 

 

[SoulSearcher]

Fluck

 

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging

her money. After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'

 

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly.... 'fluctuations'.

 

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says 'fluc you Aussies too'

[SoulSearcher]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

 

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

 

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

 

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

 

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

 

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

 

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

 

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

 

'Now what the hell would you say?'

[SoulSearcher]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

 

'What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20.'

 

'Why is it so cheap?' the woman asks.

 

'Well', replies the assistant, 'it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch flowery'.

 

'Oh, I don't mind that', said the woman, making her mind up, 'I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot'. So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

 

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at The woman. 'F===! .... me, a new brothel and a new madam'.

 

'I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel,' scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

 

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

 

'Un-f===king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes,' says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

 

'Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes,' complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

 

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

 

'In-f==king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients .... How ya doin', Dave?'

 

Silence......