Automotive Definitions

[Super Jamie]

TOOL SECTION

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts close to the object we are trying to hit. Can also be used to bend nails.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works well for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. Also useful for breaking drill bits.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads, or to pinch the skin between a mechanics thumb and forefinger.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, enable deep scratches to be placed at random all over any object.

 

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remeber to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter.

 

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old cigarettes from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it all over the bench-grinder, or another expensive electrical appliance.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say "Django Reinhardt."

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a GT Falcon to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsport lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG STEEL PIPE: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood/metal splinters.

 

NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS: Used when attempting to retrieve small components which have fallen into a hidden crevice within the engine bay. In an emergency, can be used to round off bolt heads.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting gasket-goo off your boot.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys. The attatched leads are usefull for becoming entangled in the fan of a running engine, rendering the entire instrument suddenly useless.

 

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

 

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in England, and rounds them off.

 

SCREWDRIVER: device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a chisel. Primarily used for removing excess skin from palm and making random gouges in things. The flat blade at the end can be removed if desired by placing in the notch on a screw head and applying a rotational pressure.

 

SOLDERING WIRE (silver): although this item was designed before the invention of plastic, it's main use is as a replacement for twist-ties.

 

STAPLEGUN: invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This tool should never be used for trying to attach one item to another as staples are not made in that size.

 

BALL-PEEN HAMMER: Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by Fransco de Gama in 1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had not yet been invented, and the paractice of hitting yourself in the balls had already been perfected by the Druids, using a variety of devices. Ballpeen hammers are now used by those with steady hands to swat flies. Also used as a universal centerpunch, and for turning fingernails black.

 

SIDCHROME SOCKET SET: When used as directed by manufacturer, will effectivly strip the thread from any known bolt. Older bolts can be made to snap off flush with their retaining holes. ( See E-Z OUT ). The metric sizes are good for rounding off bolts on older American and English cars, and most Australian cars.

 

SIDCHROME RATCHET SOCKET HANDLE: A good substitute for any hammer.

 

 

CHEMICAL SECTION.

 

MINERAL SPIRITS: aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, stuff. Used for wetting metal parts. Also used for adhereing paint brushes to containers (Note: process takes approx one month) This chemical can be used in place of any other chemical with reduced effeciency.

 

LACQUER THINNER: Used to cool skin. Also used to make lacquer useless. This chemical was invented by Dulux for the purpose of making money. Creative mechanics often use lacquer thinner to tie-die trousers while wearing them.

 

GUNK/GUMPTION: invented by Forrest Gunk. Gunks primary componant is mayonnaise but perfume and lanolin are added to make mechanics hands soft and lovely. Also used for lubricating pipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty. Do not eat. Once applied to skin, Gunk never comes off.

 

GREASE: Used for making rags dirty.

 

GLUE: When left open for the correct time, will produce blurred-vision and halucinations in nearby mechanics. A good substitute for beer ( See Drill-Press. )

 

SILICON GASKET-IN-A-TUBE: When left to age sufficiently, the outer layer can be peeled off, revealing a blob of hard rubber the same shape as the original tube. If used immediately, can effectivly plug up radiator cores.

[irokin]

lol absolute gold!