Medicine_Man Posted January 14, 2005 Report Share Posted January 14, 2005 Well I thought Mr-Revhead might appreciate a laugh, so heres some random NZ / Kiwi Jokes, don't be afraid to add some more, lol... ***************** An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice". The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice". The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi. ***************** An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!" The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!" ***************** An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke? The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks." "The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock." "Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?" The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times." ***************** An Aussie, a Kiwi and an African American in the hospital waiting room expecting to be proud fathers for the first time very soon. Suddenly the door to the waiting room burst open and the doctor runs in! "Congratulations Guys! You're all proud fathers of healthy baby boys and coincidentally they were all born with in seconds of each other!!" Say's the Doctor excitedly. "One problem tho... in the confusion of all these births we got a little confused and we're not sure who's baby is who's." The Aussie is out of his seat as fast as you like and into the maternity ward, immediatly picking up the black baby, obviously the African Americans child, and starts to run out of the hospital. "Wait, wait!!" Shouts the doctor. "That's definitly not your baby!!" "I know!" yells the Aussie on the hoof out the front door. "... But one of the other two baby's is a Kiwi and I'm not taking the chance!!!" ***************** Q What do you call a kiwi farmer with a sheep under one arm, and a chicken under the other? A Bi-sexual ***************** Q What is the biggest lie in New Zealand? A I was just helping the sheep over the fence ***************** A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?' ***************** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Jamie Posted January 14, 2005 Report Share Posted January 14, 2005 an aussie, a kiwi, a fat lady and an attractive girl are in a train carriage together. the train goes into a dark tunnel, and there's a slap the attractive girl thinks "one of those guys went to grope me and got that fat lady and got slapped" the fat lady thinks "one of those men groped that attractive girl and got slapped" the kiwi thinks "that damn aussie groped that attractive girl and i got slapped for it!" the aussie thinks "i hope there's another tunnel so i can smack that kiwi again!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Jamie Posted January 14, 2005 Report Share Posted January 14, 2005 the angel says to god "whatcha doin?", god says "i'm making this world where everything's balanced. look, it's hot in the middle and cold at the tips. people in north america are rich and assholes, people in south america are poor and nice. there's heaps of people in europe, and none in russia!" the angel asks "what's that down there?". god replies "oh that's australia. it's got nice weather, top women, and their people are loved by travellers throughout the world". the angel asks "that's great for them, but where's the balance?" god replies "oh man, you should see the ugly whingeing sheepf@$king bastards i've put next to them!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumblezzz Posted January 15, 2005 Report Share Posted January 15, 2005 Q: How do Kiwi's practice safe sex? A: They spraypaint a red X on the sheep that kick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamry Posted January 21, 2005 Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 Q:How do kiwi's find sheep in long grass? A: Irresistable Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Medicine_Man Posted January 21, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 ha ha ha, thats a good one too :thumbsup: :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Jamie Posted January 21, 2005 Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 that is f@$king REALLY good shamry, i'll use that :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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